Chapter 6: How to Make Your Relationship Goals Happen

Relationships are something we often don’t think of as ‘goals’ but they are in precisely the same way as any other. Maybe you’re single and want to be in a relationship? Maybe you’re in a relationship and want to make it better? Maybe you just want more success with the opposite sex? These are all worthwhile goals and all of them can be subjected to the precise same strategy that we looked at before.

Taking Stock

Here though, perhaps the most important aspect to look at is step 2: appraisal. You need to really take the time to assess the current state of your relationships and of yourself and then to work on moving forward and improving those areas of your life.

This starts by looking honestly at your current relationship. A lot of people will remain in unhappy relationships because they can’t face admitting to themselves that things aren’t perfect; perhaps because they have a child or house together, perhaps because they love their partner.

But note that improving your relationships doesn’t necessarily have to mean ending your relationship. You can work on a relationship just like you can work on a car, or a business. You can improve the way the relationship works, improve your happiness in your role and generally see positive change over time. Would you be happier if you had more sex? Are you getting enough time to spend with your partner properly? Do you argue more than you’d like? Sometimes, it is just a case of making some simple changes which can help you to improve on those areas and your relationship will be better for it. Don’t live in denial.

Likewise, if you currently aren’t having any success with approaching people, or if you’re single and you don’t want to be, then you may need to address certain aspects of your game in order to change how you are coming across. This is a skill that can be learned like any other and often it comes down to appearing confident and presenting yourself well. If you can do that – without coming across as arrogant – then you will have much better luck approaching people.

Often people who never have any success in dating are portraying themselves in the wrong way. Maybe you’re too shy to approach women/men and this means that you never get to choose who you date. Maybe it’s a confidence issue and you feel that you can’t approach them without being rejected.

Or perhaps you approach but you are coming across sleazy, awkward, or generally unattractive.

Creating a Plan for Dating

The aim is to look confident, successful and like-able. This sends a powerful and strong signal that others respond to as meaning that you’re likely to be a great ‘catch’. In other words, if you are projecting yourself as being very confident, then others will assume you have good reason to be. This speaks to our evolutionary imperative: to go after people who are of a higher status than us, people who will provide good genetic material for our offspring, or people who have resources.

And this is where we can employ step 3: creating a ‘fool-proof’ and ‘non-conventional’ plan to achieve that. For example:

Head to a bar with some friends, chat with them and have some drinks. Try to appear like a fun group to spend time with.

While you’re there, scout out the room. Look for women/men who are within your reach. In other words, look for people who aren’t too far out of your league. But don’t be afraid to punch above your weight.

If you see someone you like, shoot them a smile. If they are at all interested, they’ll smile back.

This immediately helps you to remove any risk of being rejected. If they’re not interested, they won’t look back and you’ll just avert your attention elsewhere. If the person you spot is really keen, they might even take the initiative and head over!

If not, you head over to them. Now crucially, don’t focus on the person you like but rather introduce yourself to the group and let your two groups mingle. This is your chance to demonstrate that you are fun, outgoing like-able and confident. You are displaying alpha male/female behavior and making yourself the center of attention. What’s more, is that you’re demonstrating that you are popular (as you have a group of friends) and that you get on with their friends. And what you’re also doing, is showing that you might not be interested in them at all – which makes you much more desirable.

If things go well, then you can offer the person you’re interested in a drink. This sends a clear signal without saying as much and if they come with you, that’s your chance to get them alone. If they said yes to the drink, then you can ask them to dance – again without losing face if they say no.

And if This plan relies on a couple more factors, all of which are within your control. You need a group of friends to help you for instance and you need the confidence to approach the group and to make yourself the center of attention. This takes practice and that can be your short term goal – practicing this technique until it comes as second nature and you really do feel confident and charming around members of the opposite sex.

Knowing What You Want

Again though, it is important to take into account step 1 here: knowing precisely what it is that you want. It is crucial that you are approaching the right type of partner and that you are sending the right signal. It is a very different set of tools and approach that you need if you want to approach people for one night stands, versus approaching people that you want to have a long-term relationship with. The former means going to bars and looking for people sending certain signals. The latter might mean getting closer to a friend, or looking for someone who has a lot in common with you and who is also ready to settle down. If you want to play the field then you might consider using sites like Tinder.